Lost in Azeroth
by Mizuni-no-neko
Summary: When Alfred was 17, he fell into a period of deep, unshakable gaming addiction. Years later, with Warlords of Draenor coming out, its time for Ivan and Alfred to finally talk frankly about it.


"Warlords of Draenor came out." Alfred remarked. It was obvious he was trying to be casual about it, like how one would comment on the weather. But the way he was cutting his eyes at Ivan said everything.

"No."

"No what? I was just making conversation." He huffed, deflating into a pouting child.

"No, Alfred."

"I didn't say I was gonna buy it! I just said that it came out! You know I haven't played WoW since Pandaria came out." He scoffed.

"And when that came out, you assured me that you would not play. In fact, I believe your exact words were 'You know I haven't played since I beat the Cataclysm end content.' Do you remember that?" He scoffed, giving Alfred a pointed look.

"That was then! I'm really done with the game, I swear! I mean, Pandaria was it for me, I promise. Pandas, man! Pandas!" He grumbled, irate.

"And for three months after you played it, you went on and on about how much you loved the quest lines and world design." Ivan pointed out, snorting. "You assured me that the actual content more than made up for Pandas as a playable race."

"Well yeah, I guess…but now they have all sorts of stupid shit! Pet battles, for instance! And you know they've progressively ruined the game with power creep and lowering the prices for mounts. I remember back in Vanilla when you had to take out a loan from a guildie just to get the training and buy a mount! Gold used to actually mean something." Alfred started on a rant, actually irritated at the game now more than Ivan. "They keep rendering old content and dungeons obsolete, but they keep making you run through it at level! I mean, you have to go to Outland even though everyone agrees it sucks fucking huge ass donkey balls, and half the time you can't even find anyone to do the dungeons with you! Do you know how many dungeons and how much content I've missed just because I couldn't find anyone to run them with me? Too fucking many. In fact, I'm not even sure if I even did any dungeons from BC!" He growled, crossing his arms.

But Ivan could see his legs bouncing under the table, and how his right hand scratched at the skin of his arm. It was cute, almost, how Alfred acted like he was truly addicted to this computer game. He even tried to hide the symptoms of his cravings behind legitimate complaints. But he had told Alfred no more, and Alfred had agreed, and he was going to make sure he kept his promise.

"And you know what I miss about the older versions of the game? No random fucking dungeon queue. Fuck that shit! I mean, I know it solves the issue of not being able to find anyone that I just mentioned, but it takes away something so much more important! You used to have to sit in chat waiting on the rest of your members. And yeah, that could get annoying, but you know what it did? It created a sense of teamwork and community! You got to know the people you were running with before you even took off for the dungeon. You talked to them, you laughed and joked with them. It made the dungeons more fun. And guess what? When the dungeon was over, 9 times out of 10 you would run another with the same exact group. Because it was convenient to not have to find a new group, and because you were already on good terms with the one you had. I met some of my best in-game friends that way, and got into some of the funnest guilds. But now you just queue up, get slotted in with random people, and then never see any of them again. The game got…lonely, actually." His face fell as he ended his rant, actual hurt on his face. "Bring back those days and maybe I'll play full-time." He sighed.

"Full-time? As in, you were planning on playing?" Ivan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know, man. I want to check it out, at least. I think I owe it to Blizz to at least check it out. What other game companies can you think of that go out of their way to give you nearly constant content changes, good and bad, to keep you entertained? And for only 15 bucks a month? That's a steal for someone who plays a lot. Hell, it's even a steal if you only play once. I've spent 4 times that on a game I beat in a day. And who knows? Maybe there's something to this one." He added, hopeful. "Maybe this is the expansion when Blizz gets their shit together and brings the game back to its glory days."

"You say this every expansion. It's like the game is your abusive ex. An abusive ex who, might I remind you, stole 3 years of your life. You almost didn't graduate high school because of that game." He sighed. "I can't see you do that to yourself again." Ivan sighed sadly.

"Ivan, let's get real here. That was back during vanilla and BC. When's the last time you saw me play an expansion much past when I beat the end content? I kill the Lich King, or kill Deathwing, or kill Garrosh, or whatever, and maybe I fuck around with raids for a little while, but then I'm out. It's not like my account is deleted or we don't have the money for me to play regularly. But I don't. Just every couple of months for a few weekends, or when a new expansion comes out. It'll be fine, I promise. Even if they brought back everything that made Vanilla and BC so addictive, I'm not 17 anymore. I'm an adult with a job and friends and an amazing boyfriend. The game can't take me from that." He assured him, rubbing Ivan's shoulder in a comforting gesture.

"Are you sure? Are you sure that you would not just lose yourself in Azeroth again? Going days without showering or sleeping? Planning your entire week around raids? Ignoring friends and family to grind? Can you be so sure we won't lose you again?" He asked, voice tight and small and full of doubt.

Alfred sighed, a sad and faraway look in his eyes. "Ivan…Let me tell you something about addiction." He started, completely serious. That through Ivan for a loop. He had heard of video game addiction, but he hadn't seriously thought that Alfred's binge gaming in high school had qualified. Apparently, to him, it had.

"You don't lose yourself in these things because everything is going great and you're happy and your life is in order. You escape to gaming when the outside world is too much to handle. When you play as obsessively as I did then, you do it because you're scared to live in the real world because everything around you sucks. Do you remember what was happening around the time I got lost in Azeroth?" He asked, swallowing thickly as he ignored the burning in his eyes.

Ivan thought for a moment, then closed his eyes. "Matthew died." He said, softly. Alfred and his twin brother, Matthew, had been close. Very close. Matt had been Alfred's shadow when they were kids, and his other half as he outgrew his shyness. But when they were 16, he'd been killed when a drunk driver flipped their car right into his path. Alfred had been devastated, completely lost. And yes, his foray into gaming addiction had happened shortly thereafter.

"That's right, Matt died. Matt died and my parents were talking about getting divorced because they were fighting all the time. Me and Kiku weren't talking because of something dumb that had happened before the accident. I was lost and alone and everything was falling down around my head. But in Azeroth? In Azeroth I was a top tier player in one of the best guilds on my server. I was powerful and respected and well-liked with tons of friends who were there for me. When I was playing World of Warcraft I didn't have to be the kid whose brother died, whose parents were getting divorced, and whose best friend was MIA. I could be whoever I wanted to be within the confines of the game. It was a nice feeling, to step out of myself. And once I started, I couldn't stop. Why would I want to? Why would I have wanted to go back to being Alfred?" As he had talked his voice had started to waver slightly, his breathing almost unnoticeably ragged and his eyes red, but dry.

"Then why did you? Why did you decide that it was better to be Alfred than to be a hero in Azeroth?" He asked, looking over at his boyfriend.

"A lot of reasons, I guess. Mom and Dad decided not to split up, you dragged me out of the house more than I liked at the time, Kiku came over and made me a nifty bento box to say he was sorry. But…" He paused, swallowing thickly. "I…I logged in one day and there was a message in my inbox. Matt and one of our in-game friends had been planning a surprise for me before he died. It wasn't ready until about a year after the accident, so he held onto a note Matt had sent to him to get me to show up." He rubbed at his eyes under his glasses, convinced that the stinging was just the smoke from cooking breakfast on their ancient stovetop and not because he was about to cry.

"What was it about?" He asked, slowly drawing Alfred into his arms.

"He just…" He paused, his voice having hitched dangerously. "He'd arranged for a whole group of us to meet in person. He knew that they were good, important friends to me and that I'd always wanted to meet them face-to-face. So he went behind my back and made it happen. He said…." He paused again, taking slow, deep, ragged breaths as he began to cry despite his best effort. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a sheet of well, worn paper that had obviously been in there a long time. It was worn at the edges where it had been taken out of and put back into the wallet, folded and unfolded a million times. "Here, just read it. They, the in-game friends, had it printed out. I have a framed copy at my apartment and I keep this one with me wherever I go."

 _Hey Al! It's time for you to get the fuck out of the house._

 _I know you're upset about that fight with Kiku, but I also know that nothing is more important to you than your friends. And while you may be fighting with one of them now, you need to remember that you have more. You have a lot of people around you who love you and want you to be happy. And I know you already know this about our friends at school, but I wanted to do a little something to remind you that the people on the other side of the screen love you just as much. So come down to the pier tonight at 6. Me and JimmiJeeze planned something that I know you're gonna like! So promise me, Al. Promise me you won't let this dumb fight beat you. Nothing can beat you, man. So get your ass out of the chair and get ready. We'll all be waiting._

Ivan folded the note back up carefully and handed it back to Al, his heart heavy. He and Matt had been on the hockey team together. He met Alfred through Matt. And even though he was gone, he could still feel him there between them. Like a steady, connective thrum. He had forgotten until now how much he missed him, even after all of these years.

"Why did JimmiJeeze have the note?" He asked. He didn't know what other angle to come at this from. Everything just felt so heavy and sad and real. It was like a punch in the gut, to be reminded like this. He couldn't imagine how Alfred could go around with that in his back pocket all the time.

"Matt was going to be afk, setting up the meeting. Jimmi was supposed to send that to me from Matt's account the night of the meeting. So, Matt or no Matt, that's what he did." He wiped at his eyes, sniffling a little. "I thought it was a hoax or a prank at first. But I don't know, something just made me lace up my shoes and head down to the pier. And there they all were, in the flesh, with their character names on their shirts. They were just waiting for me there, a year after the person who planned the get-together had died. Some of them had flown across the country, or farther. Gil had flown in from Germany, and Arthur came from England. Just to tell me that they cared, that they were sorry about what happened to Matt, and that they were worried about me. We lit some candles for Matt and floated them out to sea, everyone said a few words, then we had a campfire on the beach and stayed the night out there. I guess it just clicked in that moment that I wasn't just important in Azeroth. There were people both here and all over the world who cared about me enough to go out of their way to get me out of my funk. After that…I dunno, I started playing less and going out with friends more. Eventually I just got everyone's contact information or found other ways of talking to them and quit the game altogether."

"It helped, I suppose, that Gilbert and Arthur both chose to come here for college?" Ivan asked, resting his chin on Alfred's head as he tucked the other man to his chest.

"Yeah, that helped. A few of our other friends are actually from that group, too. Elizaveta's main is a BAMF Troll Warrior. And don't let Erika fool you, she's the best heals we have. Her brother Vash's DPS on his hunter is out of this world." He grinned. "Man, I miss playing with them. Even if I don't get sucked into it again, or even play for that long…I guess it just…"

"It's something you shared with them and with your brother, that brought you closer together?" Ivan asked, Alfred nodded against his neck and hummed an affirmative. "Then I will not stop you from getting the game. But if I think that we are losing you again to the game, I will not hesitate to shut off your account and delete it for good." He warned him sternly.

"Alright, alright! I pinkie promise that I will not fall back into addiction. Cross my heart and hope to die!" He lent back from Ivan's embrace and crossed his heart in a rather dramatic fashion. Ivan rolled his eyes and smiled, pressing a kiss to Alfred's mouth.

"You are a silly person, Alfred. If it were not for these serious moments you have, I would think you were still a tiny child in a grown man's body." He teased, swiping his thumb across Alfred's face to catch a stray tear that hadn't quite made it down his face with the others.

"And if it weren't for the occasional shitty prank, I would think you had no inner child, so I suppose we're even." Alfred teased back, catching Ivan's hand and kissing the palm before letting go.

"Hey…I have an idea! Why don't you get an account too!" Alfred began, obviously about to launch into a speech on how beneficial to their relationship playing together would be. Ivan, with a heavy internal sigh, beseeching whoever was listening to make his suffering quick, figured that agreeing outright and playing for a while until he or Alfred got bored wouldn't hurt him.

"Fine, but if I do not want to keep playing, I do not want to keep playing and that is final. Do you hear me? No whining or needling or begging. I mean it!" He warned.

"How about bribing you with sex? Can I still do that?" Alfred asked with a wicked grin. Ivan thought for a minute.

"Only if it works."


End file.
